It is in everyone’s greatest interest to understand what they are getting themselves into. The unknown casts a dark shadow which is difficult to navigate. Let’s imagine this dark shadow is a tunnel, and you have a torch as your only light. There’s a limited distance that torch will allow you to see. The light shines dimly, only illuminating a few feet ahead. You won’t be able to see the end.
What is at the end? Contentment? Success? Whatever it is, the prospect of getting there is risky with no clear path in sight. What if you don’t find what you are looking for? Will all the effort it took to get there be worth it? What potential dangers worry you? I will continue to live with my insecurities, but am getting better at managing them.
I was always the quiet kid who kept to myself. I’d rather listen than embarrass myself by speaking up even when I had opportunity to effect positive change to a situation. I was afraid of what the world would think of me if I dared speak my mind. Because everyone knew me as the quiet type, I felt the need to stay that way on principle. I didn’t want to draw unwanted attention, yet, I desperately wanted to change. Not just to fit societal norms and feel included, though that was part of it, but I knew it wasn’t healthy to let my fears control me. How many opportunities did I miss out on simply because I was too scared to say what needed to be said or do what needed to be done?
I lived this way for so many years, I eventually became fed up with myself. I grew tired of feeling miserable. I knew the only way to improve was to force myself to do uncomfortable things. And uncomfortable things are so… uncomfortable. I want to know what I’m getting myself into before moving forward. Doesn’t everyone?
I observed people. Many were just as scared as me, stagnant in their lives while others my age seemed to be far more experienced and comfortable with their place in the world.
Growing is hard. Even harder when you feel all alone. In my lowest moments, communing with God was what kept me going. I thrive through His consistent comfort. Yet, I also knew if I was serious about changing, I had to be the one to decide it. I couldn’t sit idly expecting those around me to push me in the right direction.
I grew tired of complacency. I didn’t want to waste away only wishing I had done more. I introduced myself to one scary, new thing at time but not without much fretting beforehand. Upon completing a difficult task, I felt relief mixed with the realization that maybe I’m not as incapable as I thought. As new experiences naturally presented themselves, change also started happening naturally. Of course I never realized this until I had the gift of hindsight. Back then I was determined to be miserable in my discomfort.
My perception gradually shifted as I grew more at ease with myself. I can’t say for sure what specific thing caused change. Perhaps it was a combination of life decisions and new experiences. Maybe the rewards started to outweigh the risks. All I knew is I was done with being the person I didn’t want to be. I desired to learn rather than cower. I was desperate to change even if it meant exposing my weaknesses. I’m shocked I made some of the decisions I did when my insecurities were worse than they are now. Many of those decisions must have been God’s leading and not my own.
With experience, the unknown became less scary. I realized most people are just as scared as I am. I’m not unique. I’m just one more insecure person among millions. Many have felt the same as me. There are many things I wish I had the courage to face or try, but there are plenty of attainable goals when inching forward. No one said I had to run full speed into the darkness. Any little progress is better than nothing.
Now, I pressure myself into taking on more than I can handle. Maybe it’s because I worry about missing out on something greater by not trying. Maybe I’m trying to make up for all my “wasted” years of the past. Either way, I’ve become a little too good at taking on new tasks (within reason) and pushing past barriers others seem unwilling to. I can’t seem to be satisfied without knowing I tried. That’s part of why I write here today.
I have found that keeping myself busy is the best way to move forward. The more occupied I am the less time there is for worry. Fears subside when there isn’t time for them to be fed. Growth is natural and imperceivable. I look back, amazed at how different I used to be. Years ago I would have not thought it possible to be the person I am today.
I’m not perfect and still plenty scared. New fears are always developing. I’m afraid if I slow down for even a moment, I will once again feel inadequate. I’m far better off moving forward despite my insecurities.
This is how confidence is faked, and if I can do it, anyone can.